A Pregnancy Lost

Friday, April 11th, is a day I'll never forget.

Y and I were headed out of town for the weekend. We were going to go for a weekend to relax, catch a ballgame, see some friends, and just not be at home. I'd been finishing up some cleaning and had just packed our bag when I decided to shower before we left. I had to go to the bathroom before I jumped in the shower and when I did, I found I was bleeding. Not spotting but actual bright red blood, similar to that of the first day of my period.

I immediately called my RE's office and they transferred me to one of the medical assistants. I told her everything that was going on and she said unfortunately, Dr. H was in surgery for the day so I couldn't come in for an ultrasound. She asked if I was having any cramping and, at the time, I wasn't. She tried to soothe my fears saying some bleeding was normal but she was going to schedule me for an ultrasound on Sunday. I would be squeezed in but she wanted to be sure all was okay. She said if I continued bleeding or began cramping to head to the Emergency Room and page Dr. H. I hung up and lost it. I just sobbed fearing this was it.

Around 3pm I began having mild cramps and when I went to the bathroom I had a smallish dark-red clot. I called my RE's office a second time to update them and let them know I was going to the hospital. Of course, 3:30pm on a Friday afternoon is not a good traffic time. We ended up at the hospital an hour later.

I was initially triaged and registered then sent back out to the lobby to wait. A good hour to hour and a half passed before they called me back. I was given an IV spigot through which they took 6 vials of blood. Since I had a spigot in my arm I was now privileged to sit in the triage waiting room where it was about 11 degrees. Mind you it's now about 6pm or later and I hadn't had anything to eat since 10am that morning.

Finally, close to 8pm I was called back to an exam room. A nurse came in and took a brief synopsis of my symptoms. Shortly thereafter the ER Dr. on duty came back. How long had I been bleeding? How heavy? Was it a sudden onset? Etc. I also had to have more blood drawn so they could type my blood. After a short wait the nurse and Dr. returned to perform a pelvic exam. The Dr. told me there was a lot of blood but she was encourage because it was old blood. After the exam was over she said I needed a liter of fluids because I was a bit dehydrated. Sitting in a waiting room for 3+ hours with little water will do that to you. I was hooked up to the IV and told someone would be in to take me for an ultrasound soon.

Around 9:30pm someone finally arrived to take me to radiology. I had to wait in the hallway until the tech was ready for me, Y with me the whole time. Near 10pm the tech wheeled me into the room, Y was sent out to the waiting room. I got the speech of "I'm not allowed to tell you anything. If I see something bad or I see something perfect I can't say anything. I'm not even allowed to let you see the screen." I understood completely why this was but it hurt to think if there was something wrong that I wasn't even allowed to see my baby. The tech performed the regular ultrasound then asked me to empty my bladder for the vaginal ultrasound. Once I was done I was wheeled back out into the hallway then eventually taken back to the exam room.

I laid there for another hour until around 11pm the Dr. came in with the results. I just knew it wasn't good news when she hesitated. The following words will be words I will never forget, "There were no fetal heart tones. You are in fetal demise. There's nothing we can do and the baby will pass naturally in a few days."

My heart shattered when I heard there was no heartbeat. 19 months of hell to conceive and at 6 weeks exactly we lose our first hope that things were looking up for us.

She continued to provide instructions but all I could think of was our baby was gone and I never even got to see him. I now wait. Wait for the clot to pass. I have issues with those instructions. While scientifically, what I will pass is a clot, it's my baby. A part of my heart and soul. My child is not a clot. I'll have to endure more blood tests to assure the hCG levels are returning to normal, have an ultrasound to assure everything has passed, and take a possible round of RhoGAM since I have a negative Rh blood factor.

Then come the questions. Why did this happen? When will we try again? Am I ready to try again? Will I ever heal from this?

While I've lost a parent, this pain is so much stronger it scares me. I'm not sure what to do with it. Currently, I'm hoping that everyone was wrong. Hoping that it was just too early to see a heartbeat. Logically, I know that's not really possible but it's getting me through the days for now.