Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Our latest plan

Maybe month 19 will be the lucky one???

I called Dr. H's office today to let them know a new cycle started and to see what our next plan of action would be. We're trying a new drug combination this month. I'll be taking Letrozole (Femara) on cycle days 3-7 in addition to the Metformin I take daily. We're hoping I won't have the crazy side effects I had last cycle on Clomid.

I go in March 11th for another date with the dildo cam and Dr. H. Pending the results of the ultrasound we'll either do another cycle with just a trigger shot and trying on our own or we'll go ahead with an IUI.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The things I want to say...

but never will because I may be deemed a heartless bitch.

-If you've never dealt with infertility, you don't know what I'm going through. I do appreciate your sympathies but don't tell me you understand.
-To those who have miscarried, I'm truly, truly sorry you have experienced such a horrible loss and pain. I hope, that some day, when the pain lightens some, you can remember the pure joy and excitement you felt when you found out you were pregnant. I don't know if I'll ever be able to experience such happiness. (I warned you you'd think I was a heartless bitch)
-I don't know if I'll ever be able to experience true positive thinking. 18 months of failure and defeat have put a real damper on any positive thinking.
-There are days I can handle the cute cuddliness of babies and kids and there are days I can't. Don't be offended if your conversation about your pregnancy or child is met with awkward silence. It just means today is one of those days I can't handle it.
-While I believe everything happens for a reason, I believe the reasoning for the pain I deal with on a daily basis sucks. I want off this ride.

Devastated: Clomid - 0, Infertility - 4

Today I'm 14dpo. I had told myself I wouldn't test unless my temperature stayed high today. AF was scheduled to arrive today or tomorrow so I didn't want to 1)waste a test and 2)see another BFN if I didn't have to.

Well, my temp dropped. I'm crushed. Devastated. Lost. Distraught.

I even went so far as to wiggle the thermometer to encourage my temp to go just another hundredth of a degree higher. It didn't work. I know one temperature doesn't always mean anything but I know my body. One drop at the end of my luteal phase and I'm done.

AF isn't here just yet but I did have some spotting.

I'm entirely crushed. My chart looked so perfect. I hadn't been having my usual pre-period feelings or symptoms. I even had a dream last night I got my BFP. I was so very sure of this cycle I was getting the details ready for fun ways to tell my family since this has been a very methodical process, an open book.

I honestly have nothing left; no faith, little hope and my spirit has been trampled on. We did everything perfectly this cycle. Everything we could do we did. Why??? Why didn't it work?

Friday, February 22, 2008


My temp jumped up today at 10 days past ovulation. I thought for sure I was pregnant and decided to test. It was a negative. I'm okay with that though because it really is too early to test and I should have known better. I guess I was just hoping to get lucky and get an early positive! Now to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday....

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Pregnancy Symptoms?

-The nausea has continued off and on.
-I'm exhausted.
-I pee just about every hour on the hour.
-My morning temps are really high and continue to be so.

Most of these symptoms can be explained. The nausea could be remaining side effects from Clomid. The exhaustion could have something to do with the fact I've been working 14 hour days to get one of my units done. The high temps...well, who knows since my temps this cycle were all over the place.

Am I being positive? Am I setting myself up for a huge disappointment in a few days? I don't know but this is the most relaxed and, dare I say, positive that I've been in a very long time.

This is month 18 of trying. If I had gotten pregnant when we first started trying I would have an 8 month old by now. That in itself is a depressing thought and a major wake-up call at how long we've been at this.

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Clomid Pukes Strike Again!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Y made me a very nice dinner of Kobe beef strips (like NY strips), twice baked/stuffed potato and sauteed yellow squash. It was a great meal but I started feeling nauseaous halfway through. I didn't push things and stopped when I felt like I'd be gagging.

I didn't say too much during dinner because I didn't want it to be a downer for the evening. I had been feeling pretty good for a few days so I thought the effects of the Clomid were finally wearing off. Apparently not.

I had the pleasant experience at 4:45 am of losing my entire dinner and meds I had taken that night. Ugh. I won't be having Kobe beef, or possibly steaks in general for quite some time.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Trigger: Y - 1, Me-0

Well the trigger shot is completed. I'm such a wuss though.

I had called my Mom for our weekly Sunday chat, dreading the upcoming shot the whole time. After I hung up I had stalled enough. I got the syringe from the refrigerator, used the alcohol wipe to clean the area, prepped the syringe, grabbed an inch of skin below my belly button, and panicked. I could NOT do it. My hands were shaking and I was on the verge of tears.

I told Y he had to do it because I couldn't. He took the syringe and asked "You want me to go slow or just jab it in there?" I said "Just do it...and do it fast!"

I couldn't watch the needle going in....I never can. The needle poke didn't hurt at all but it was uncomfortable when the liquid was injected. When it was all over I started crying. Seriously. I'm a wuss. Apparently my life as a heroin addict is a bust...

Thursday, February 7, 2008


And no, I don't mean the economy.

My ovaries are overstimulated. Things looked good, but they were a bit too good. The insemination is a no-go. I have 4 pretty dominant follicles ready to release eggs. The largest was 16x13mm, then 15x14, 14x11, and a 13x13. We are, however, triggering with an HCg shot on Sunday just to be sure the egg(s) release so we can time things well on our own.

I have a 10% chance for triplets and a ::huge gulp:: 15-20% chance for twins. Normal rates with using Clomid are 2% for triplets and 7% for twins. Let's just say I am beyond terrified. I cannot even imagine triplets!

In other news....I'm down 15lbs from my last appointment where he weighed me in Dec. Woohoo! AND...I never, ever have to take Clomid again. I told him about my nausea and other horrid Clomid side effects and he said no more. We'll do Letrozole if needed in the future.

It's the Year of the Rat!

Happy Chinese New Year! Today's an exciting day in our house. Not only is it Chinese New year but it's Y's year! Yes, he's a rat. Does this mean we'll have a good year? I hope so! Here are a few of the qualities of a rat:
Rats are both charming and aggressive. They appear calm and well balanced on the surface,but underneath, they are restless and a little nervous. Rats are compatible,hard working, and they know how to hang on to a penny. They are never without admirers. They are very appealing.They have a bright and happy personality,and this keeps them busy socially.They love parties and other large gatherings. They like belonging to exclusive clubs and will often have a close circle of fellow conspirators.They like involvement and are very outgoing. Rats cherish friends and loved ones. For this reason,they often get entangled with others'problems and lives.

Rats love money and are quite shrewd where a buck is concerned. It is a hard task to separate Rats from their money. However, Rats can be very generous when their loved ones are concerned. Relatives are always welcome. Rats are definitely clannish and clever. With all these people around, Rats always find tasks for them to earn their keep. People will be put to work quickly in the Rat's house. Rats know how to keep a secret, if it's their own,but they are adept at finding out what others try to keep to themselves, and Rats wouldn't be above using the information if it were to their benefit.

One can always tell when Rats are upset. They become edgy,very nervous, and quite nagging. Rats are always taken by a bargain. They often buy things they don't need and tend to save everything. Souvenirs and sentimental odds and ends are found tucked away everywhere.

Since they make it a point to know everything about everybody,Rats are excellent writers. They have a good memory and are extremely inquisitive. Rats can be successful in almost everything they try to do. They easily adapt themselves to the situation at hand. They are at their best during any crisis and are great problem solvers. Rats are very level headed and are also very alert. Their intuition is strong and are always on the lookout for opportunities to better themselves. Rats seldom get into jams they can't escape since they cover themselves well in advance.They have a built in alarm system.

One of the Rat's biggest fault is that they try to do too much at once. They often scatter their energies and get nothing accomplished. Once they learn to finish what they have started,there is no stopping them from being successful. The Rat must also watch those fast deals and those great bargains. In these areas their judgment may fail them. They must not become too greedy,or they will suffer a financial blow or two.

Rats have great respect for their parents and dote on their own children. They love their home. Family life is very important to them. Rats born during the evening are tempted to a more hectic life than those born during the day.

Rats learn early, quickly, and are avid readers. They know how to express themselves well-both written and orally. Given the slightest chance, Rats can make a success of their lives.

We also find out later today if we're going ahead with the IUI this cycle. I'm hoping my ovaries have been doing their job and producing some nice size follicles. Hopefully not too many so we can move ahead!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

So sick....

I feel like that girl from the Exorcist movie where her head spins round.

Apparently the fourth time on Clomid was enough for my body to retaliate and magnify the side effects by 3000%. Not only am I a complete bitch but nausea has struck! I can hardly eat anything. Food gags me as I eat, it doesn't smell good and when I do eat I end up in the bathroom a few hours later with stuff coming out of one end or the other.

If a kid doesn't come of this cycle I may just turn into that Exorcist girl in Dr. H's office. Where can I find pea soup this time of year???