Spring Training Baseball

One of the benefits of living in the southwest, we get to enjoy Spring Training baseball the every March. We took some time off work this week to enjoy a Wednesday afternoon game between Chicago Cubs and the Arizona Diamondbacks. The weather was almost perfect. It was partly cloudy with a light breeze and temperatures in the low to mid 70's. We couldn't have asked for better weather!


Carlos Zambrano

A lot can change in 15 years

My nephew turns 15 on Sunday. FIFTEEN!!

I was 15, myself, when he was born. My sister allowed my Mom and I to be in the room with her before delivering. At the time I had no idea how momentous that actually was. I remember watching her contraction monitor and commenting when it would spike during a contraction. Sorry sis, I had no idea at the time how clueless I was.

I remember when we were finally allowed back into the room to see her and meet my newborn nephew. He was tiny! Despite loving kids and having babysat for several years prior, I was terrified. I couldn't hold him. I was afraid I'd fail at being a good Aunt and have no idea how to hold this hours-old baby. I had never held someone so small. I felt so unprepared and yet in complete awe of this tiny little guy. He was mine, my nephew, someone I would have influence over yet I was a teenager myself.

Thinking back I was so excited to be an Aunt but no where near ready to be a Mom (as well I shouldn't have been at 15!). Now here I sit 15 years later and I want nothing more. I wish I had pushed all those scared, child-like thoughts out of my head and held that tiny little miracle in my arms just hours after he was born. I certainly missed out on a magical moment.

My nephew means so much to me and while my sister has often said I'm a second Mom to her kids I really do feel that way. When they hurt, I hurt. When they're sad, I'm sad. When they're happy, I'm happy. I'm proud of their successes and sometimes disappointed in their failures.

I'd like to think being so close to my nephew and nieces has prepared me for being a Mom to my own children some day. I just hope that some day comes sooner rather than later.....

Pill Count!

If you're ever around me and wonder what that rattling noise is, it's just me. Pharmaceutical drugs are a part of my daily life now and I now understand where my parents were coming from when they complained about taking so many pills. Here's my pill count on an average day:
*1 - Mercury-free Omega-3's, twice a day (2 total)
*2 - Metformin caplets, twice a day (4 total)
*1 - Acidophilos caplet, twice a day to counteract the bad tummy from the Metformin (2 total)
*1 - fertility drug of choice, this month Letrozole (1 total)
*1 - Pre-natal vitamin (1 total)
*1 - folic acid supplement (1 total)

So on a good day I'm at a grand total of 11 pills a day. Now if it's a bad day like today, add in a few Tylenol for headaches, a few Immodium for the drug/diet induced diarrhea, and a few papaya extract for the nausea. Those bad days I could be seeing 15-20 pills a day. We often joke in our house that I need one of those daily pill dispenser boxes because I'll often sit down for a meal (when I feel I can eat) and ask "Did I take my pills?"

Tears and Hope

This video says everything I have ever wanted to say and more....

Please take a few moments out of your day to watch it.

Empty Arms

My business logo!

I'd mentioned back in January that I was going to try to start my own photography studio. I've had a couple of shoots but my real job has taken over all my time so I haven't had much time to spend on promoting my business. I took one huge step this weekend thanks to Meredith at Addie Kate Creations. She created a beautiful business logo that I can now use on my website (when I get it going) and business cards/promotional materials. She does fabulous work and, if you're ever in the need, makes gorgeous birth announcements and photo cards!

This is my photo but her creative genius on the logo:

Our latest plan

Maybe month 19 will be the lucky one???

I called Dr. H's office today to let them know a new cycle started and to see what our next plan of action would be. We're trying a new drug combination this month. I'll be taking Letrozole (Femara) on cycle days 3-7 in addition to the Metformin I take daily. We're hoping I won't have the crazy side effects I had last cycle on Clomid.

I go in March 11th for another date with the dildo cam and Dr. H. Pending the results of the ultrasound we'll either do another cycle with just a trigger shot and trying on our own or we'll go ahead with an IUI.

The things I want to say...

but never will because I may be deemed a heartless bitch.

-If you've never dealt with infertility, you don't know what I'm going through. I do appreciate your sympathies but don't tell me you understand.
-To those who have miscarried, I'm truly, truly sorry you have experienced such a horrible loss and pain. I hope, that some day, when the pain lightens some, you can remember the pure joy and excitement you felt when you found out you were pregnant. I don't know if I'll ever be able to experience such happiness. (I warned you you'd think I was a heartless bitch)
-I don't know if I'll ever be able to experience true positive thinking. 18 months of failure and defeat have put a real damper on any positive thinking.
-There are days I can handle the cute cuddliness of babies and kids and there are days I can't. Don't be offended if your conversation about your pregnancy or child is met with awkward silence. It just means today is one of those days I can't handle it.
-While I believe everything happens for a reason, I believe the reasoning for the pain I deal with on a daily basis sucks. I want off this ride.

Devastated: Clomid - 0, Infertility - 4

Today I'm 14dpo. I had told myself I wouldn't test unless my temperature stayed high today. AF was scheduled to arrive today or tomorrow so I didn't want to 1)waste a test and 2)see another BFN if I didn't have to.

Well, my temp dropped. I'm crushed. Devastated. Lost. Distraught.

I even went so far as to wiggle the thermometer to encourage my temp to go just another hundredth of a degree higher. It didn't work. I know one temperature doesn't always mean anything but I know my body. One drop at the end of my luteal phase and I'm done.

AF isn't here just yet but I did have some spotting.

I'm entirely crushed. My chart looked so perfect. I hadn't been having my usual pre-period feelings or symptoms. I even had a dream last night I got my BFP. I was so very sure of this cycle I was getting the details ready for fun ways to tell my family since this has been a very methodical process, an open book.

I honestly have nothing left; no faith, little hope and my spirit has been trampled on. We did everything perfectly this cycle. Everything we could do we did. Why??? Why didn't it work?

BFN

My temp jumped up today at 10 days past ovulation. I thought for sure I was pregnant and decided to test. It was a negative. I'm okay with that though because it really is too early to test and I should have known better. I guess I was just hoping to get lucky and get an early positive! Now to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday....

Pregnancy Symptoms?

-The nausea has continued off and on.
-I'm exhausted.
-I pee just about every hour on the hour.
-My morning temps are really high and continue to be so.

Most of these symptoms can be explained. The nausea could be remaining side effects from Clomid. The exhaustion could have something to do with the fact I've been working 14 hour days to get one of my units done. The high temps...well, who knows since my temps this cycle were all over the place.

Am I being positive? Am I setting myself up for a huge disappointment in a few days? I don't know but this is the most relaxed and, dare I say, positive that I've been in a very long time.

This is month 18 of trying. If I had gotten pregnant when we first started trying I would have an 8 month old by now. That in itself is a depressing thought and a major wake-up call at how long we've been at this.